For you. to keep for a rainy day. To remind you. Sometimes a simple thing is the best thing.
Saturday, December 22, 2007
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Snow, polls, and the Huckleberry Hounders
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And it snowed and snowed and snowed....so much so that the 'Abster' had to donn her vest and get the snorkel out...no lie...they were calling for 3-6 inches and we got like eleventy EFN million- OK slight exaggeration, but we got at least a foot. What means this? Plus I can't EFN remember EVER having this much snow before Christmas!! Not even as a youngun! M.I.A. has been working 'round the clock and good EFN thing as that would mean that at least ONE of us is getting an EFN paycheck! "Mamma's, don't let your babies grow up to be Realtors"... And while I'm on a roll- I'm about EFN tired of picking up the GD phone to answer political polls. While they can be entertaining at first (August) and make you feel smart and important, blah,blah,blah, they start to wear a little EFN thin in the last week of December- so if everyone would just GODDAMN VOTE in the first place I, as a NH resident, wouldn't be forced to endure these hideously presented questions, complete with mispronounciations! And you know what? I could hardly give a RATS ASS that Mike EFN Hucklberry Finn got junkfood out of public schools! I'm more concerned about him keeping JESUS out of the Primary...Where the EF do I live? Ala-fuckin-bama? No I Do Not! And would someone PLEASE tell Obama to eat an EFN sandwich! How the flippin' Christ does he expect to get elected if he weighs LESS than the average female in this EFN country(which in itself is a SAD EFN statement!) What the EFN EF? Oh the wailing....I would add more but I'm tired from groveling, I mean shoveling and it should be painfully obvious to all that I'm on the short end of good EFN will to mankind today. I cashed in that chip at about, oh eight o'clock, when I picked up the phone to take an AUTOMATED POLL for flippin christ's sake (yes, of course I took it! What do you think I am?) ...who the EF thinks this shit up? If I've said it once, I've said it eleventy million times...HEY. Keep your stupid to yourself!
The shovelin' EFN Torque Wrench
Tuesday, December 18, 2007
So....as you can see with your own eyes, a good time was had by all at the Annual Yankee Swap at Louise's house...as M.I.A. was barreling out the door for a MUCH needed smoke, he managed to back my ass into the stairs, which of course made me fall, to the happiness and delight of all present and what you see scattered on the rug, floor, my pants and hands, would be the remnants of my practically famous and quite tasty bleu cheese cups, which I was serving a fresh plate of 'hostess style'. Ah. Nothing says "family gathering" like someone falling on their ass! Please note that all this was accomplished 'sans' alchohol, unlike the time I took out the bass player at that club in the "old Port" whilst partaking in MUCH MERRIMENT and doing a super cool dance move which managed to somehow catapult me into the speaker by the stage, taking the bass player out 'thusly'...good times, good times! I believe that was also the night that Ro Mo Ho and I took advantage of the new "tipsy taxi" service (free ride for those too hammered to drive their own cars home-we didn't arrive in a car-we walked to the bar, but hey) and were broadsided at the first intersection we came to by - you guessed it- a DRUNK DRIVER! But that my friends, is another story for another day! Bon soir, mon petit chou!
Thursday, December 13, 2007
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HUH
So I'm thinking the person who made this neon sign got more than one laugh...They don't mince words in BROOKLYN
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
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Well, hidee ho ho ho from the BAT CAVE...amazing the things you find when dragging out the Christmas decorations...why imagine this perfectly good BATMAN mask just pining away, forgotten on a shelf. Sheesh. And don't tell me that Lady Liberty should hide her light under a barrel...well, maybe we have an argument for that one given recent disgraceful events around the world...especially CUBA, but hey, getting back to the Christmas decorations....as you can see from the photos, I'm doing just about everything possible to avoid the yuletide spirit- call it willful on my part, I DON'T CARE, but I'm just not feeling it! And please, could someone call the networks and have the Beyonce ( Bee on say) Direct TV ad removed immediately! She and that gold dress are drivin' me EFN mental- upgrade this, you twinkie.
On a happy note, the collective "skids" will be woefully disappointed in my gift-giving this year as I'm sending a DVD that they will watch about children in Africa (What the EF? Why do I have to watch some gaylord movie about kids in Africa, as if) and I will also send a cd with hand picked songs that they will no doubt COMPLETELY miss the point of, but again, I DON'T CARE! I'm not buying crap this year- just making it! HA
I wish I could write, or show, or draw how big my feelings are for you all...my little tethers to the earth. Without you I'm not sure what I would do. I hope you all know in your huge hearts that I love you to the moon and beyond, beyond eternity and back again, to the very center of what makes me who I am. Love Ya
PS I saw 4 more people today who deserved a " HEY. Keep your stupid to yourself" shirt...slow day
The Penis Tree
I must say...Torky got quite a chuckle out of the recent posting by Rainking of The Penis Tree! *See pic below* Now if that doesn't warm the 'cock'les of your heart, I don't know what does. Juvenile, I know, yet...BAAHAAAAA- and quite frankly after the thankless last two weeks that I've been through, I need a little sumpin' to put the spring back in my step
Love you all madly and beyond the mere measure of time,
The EFN torque wrench
Love you all madly and beyond the mere measure of time,
The EFN torque wrench
Friday, December 7, 2007
Friday, November 30, 2007
'Tis the Season - There's always some truth in sarcasm
For Christ’s Sake
Franklin, TN plans ‘War on Christmas’ memorial
Excerpted from the Nashville Scene's "The Fabricator" column.
The black granite facade of the Vietnam Veterans’ Memorial in Washington, D.C., may soon have a look-alike companion in Franklin, Tenn., dedicated to the victims of the “War on Christmas.”
The National War on Christmas Memorial Foundation is seeking funds to build a memorial across Highway 96 from the Confederate Dixie Rebel Acres subdivision on the outskirts of Franklin.
“We’re going to carve on it the names of all the people and groups who have lost their displays and celebrations in the War on Christmas,” says Frank C. King, who heads the memorial foundation.
“We’re going to get the names of all those poor cashiers who have to parrot ‘Happy Holidays’ at shoppers instead of wishing them a hearty ‘Merry Christmas,’ and carve them here. We’re going to get the names of the people who wish they could see a big illuminated baby Jesus on the steps of the courthouse and carve them here. This is going to be big.”
The foundation hopes to raise $1.5 million for the memorial during this holiday season, begin construction in the spring and have it ready to open by next Thanksgiving.“We’re hoping to have Bill O’Reilly here to do the ribbon-cutting,” King says. “We’re even hoping he may do his FOX News show from here in front of it. Wouldn’t that be great?”
Most news programs show steep declines in viewership during the holiday season due to parties and family gatherings. For the past couple of years, O’Reilly has boosted sagging ratings during this period by ginning up the War on Christmas theme. He typically locates isolated examples of overzealous efforts of inclusiveness and weaves a specious narrative of Christmas under siege nationwide.
“The National War on Christmas Memorial could be a year-round boon to tourism around here,” King says with enthusiasm. “Nobody alive remembers the Civil War, but we all remember the War on Christmas. I can see those out-of-state SUVs with Jesus fish on the back pouring in here now.”
Franklin, TN plans ‘War on Christmas’ memorial
Excerpted from the Nashville Scene's "The Fabricator" column.
The black granite facade of the Vietnam Veterans’ Memorial in Washington, D.C., may soon have a look-alike companion in Franklin, Tenn., dedicated to the victims of the “War on Christmas.”
The National War on Christmas Memorial Foundation is seeking funds to build a memorial across Highway 96 from the Confederate Dixie Rebel Acres subdivision on the outskirts of Franklin.
“We’re going to carve on it the names of all the people and groups who have lost their displays and celebrations in the War on Christmas,” says Frank C. King, who heads the memorial foundation.
“We’re going to get the names of all those poor cashiers who have to parrot ‘Happy Holidays’ at shoppers instead of wishing them a hearty ‘Merry Christmas,’ and carve them here. We’re going to get the names of the people who wish they could see a big illuminated baby Jesus on the steps of the courthouse and carve them here. This is going to be big.”
The foundation hopes to raise $1.5 million for the memorial during this holiday season, begin construction in the spring and have it ready to open by next Thanksgiving.“We’re hoping to have Bill O’Reilly here to do the ribbon-cutting,” King says. “We’re even hoping he may do his FOX News show from here in front of it. Wouldn’t that be great?”
Most news programs show steep declines in viewership during the holiday season due to parties and family gatherings. For the past couple of years, O’Reilly has boosted sagging ratings during this period by ginning up the War on Christmas theme. He typically locates isolated examples of overzealous efforts of inclusiveness and weaves a specious narrative of Christmas under siege nationwide.
“The National War on Christmas Memorial could be a year-round boon to tourism around here,” King says with enthusiasm. “Nobody alive remembers the Civil War, but we all remember the War on Christmas. I can see those out-of-state SUVs with Jesus fish on the back pouring in here now.”
New car fever taken to new heights!!
Sandy Wong gets turned on by expensive and classic cars, motorcycles and women with big feet and really likes to expose himself in public.
Unfortunately, the 45-year-old Edmonton man’s sexual deviancy has led to him “pleasuring” himself while sitting on the roof of cars, including a BMW on display at the Home and Garden Show at the Northlands Agricom.
Court heard Wong was observed checking out three BMW vehicles on display at the BMW display at the Home and Garden Show on March 22. Then, he was seen sitting on the roof of a 2007 BMW 328i sedan, valued at $50,000.
Shortly after that, Wong had dropped his sweat pants to his ankles and was spotted masturbating while sitting with his legs dangling over the driver’s door window.
Security eventually detained Wong until police showed up and a clean-up crew had to wash down the BMW.
According to psychiatrist Dr. Curtis Woods, Wong says he is “sexually attracted” to the BMW’s roof top because “it’s curved like a woman’s body, the sex appeal, it felt good.”
Woods said Wong reported he also gets aroused by certain cars, including a 1967 Camaro and a 1955 Chevy Bel Air, and blames the owners for buying the cars because it tempts him to “pleasure” himself.
Court heard Wong was also arrested May 24 for jumping on a 2005 MiniCooper outside the downtown Boston Pizza, dropping his pants and proceeding to “tuck, rub and bounce his naked genitalia” on the hood of the car.
He also admitted climbing onto the roof of a 1991 Buick Century parked at the rear of a south-side home, taking off his clothes and masturbating on June 12.
Unfortunately, the 45-year-old Edmonton man’s sexual deviancy has led to him “pleasuring” himself while sitting on the roof of cars, including a BMW on display at the Home and Garden Show at the Northlands Agricom.
Court heard Wong was observed checking out three BMW vehicles on display at the BMW display at the Home and Garden Show on March 22. Then, he was seen sitting on the roof of a 2007 BMW 328i sedan, valued at $50,000.
Shortly after that, Wong had dropped his sweat pants to his ankles and was spotted masturbating while sitting with his legs dangling over the driver’s door window.
Security eventually detained Wong until police showed up and a clean-up crew had to wash down the BMW.
According to psychiatrist Dr. Curtis Woods, Wong says he is “sexually attracted” to the BMW’s roof top because “it’s curved like a woman’s body, the sex appeal, it felt good.”
Woods said Wong reported he also gets aroused by certain cars, including a 1967 Camaro and a 1955 Chevy Bel Air, and blames the owners for buying the cars because it tempts him to “pleasure” himself.
Court heard Wong was also arrested May 24 for jumping on a 2005 MiniCooper outside the downtown Boston Pizza, dropping his pants and proceeding to “tuck, rub and bounce his naked genitalia” on the hood of the car.
He also admitted climbing onto the roof of a 1991 Buick Century parked at the rear of a south-side home, taking off his clothes and masturbating on June 12.
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Crazy Russian Credit Card Stealers
Miss Mary Smack:
Of course you realize that company you get your music from is Russian which has like the highest crime rate in the industrialized world not to mention probably like a gazillion boiler room internet credit card rip-off centers.....
Any freaky activity on your account? I want to buy a Lee Margan album (listen to The Sidewinder sample--it is awesome-Liz wants it bad...
Torque Wrench replies:
Must you send me this information about the whole Russian 'sweatroom' credit card stealer people (which I saw on 20/20) and how this music site is Russian and now I have to add this to my hideously long list of things to obsess about until my head hurts because I obviously have a brain tumor from having to talk on my EFN dumbass phone constantly! Are you trying to drive me mad woman? Plus, no I haven't noticed any UNUSUAL activity on my card but by CHRIST I will now have to check to be sure even though I just paid my card today- which reminds me that the music account is on my debit card so good EFN luck to the CHUMP that tries to go to town on that one! He/she might, and I stress might, be able to score a pair of socks, a gallon of milk and a carton of floorsweepin' cigarettes before that GRAVYTRAIN winds down. HA
GOT TO GO
T.W.
FYI...did you know that you can now LOCK your credit?? Yes indeed you can. Probably the single thing that Congress has done in the past 7 years that actually is worth a 'EF'...of course, should you desire more or new credit you must "unlock" it for a small fee and a few days delay, but that's so smart I can't believe I didn't think of it!
Of course you realize that company you get your music from is Russian which has like the highest crime rate in the industrialized world not to mention probably like a gazillion boiler room internet credit card rip-off centers.....
Any freaky activity on your account? I want to buy a Lee Margan album (listen to The Sidewinder sample--it is awesome-Liz wants it bad...
Torque Wrench replies:
Must you send me this information about the whole Russian 'sweatroom' credit card stealer people (which I saw on 20/20) and how this music site is Russian and now I have to add this to my hideously long list of things to obsess about until my head hurts because I obviously have a brain tumor from having to talk on my EFN dumbass phone constantly! Are you trying to drive me mad woman? Plus, no I haven't noticed any UNUSUAL activity on my card but by CHRIST I will now have to check to be sure even though I just paid my card today- which reminds me that the music account is on my debit card so good EFN luck to the CHUMP that tries to go to town on that one! He/she might, and I stress might, be able to score a pair of socks, a gallon of milk and a carton of floorsweepin' cigarettes before that GRAVYTRAIN winds down. HA
GOT TO GO
T.W.
FYI...did you know that you can now LOCK your credit?? Yes indeed you can. Probably the single thing that Congress has done in the past 7 years that actually is worth a 'EF'...of course, should you desire more or new credit you must "unlock" it for a small fee and a few days delay, but that's so smart I can't believe I didn't think of it!
freaky squirrel men jumpers
WHAT THE EF???? A rush? I guess...maybe for a fletardo! and what's with the little "flying squirrel" outfit? (see Rainkings video) How many times do I have to say it??? THERE JUST AIN'T NO ACCOUNTIN' FOR STUPID IN THIS WORLD...plus I'm fairly chicken when it comes to heights, or I should say heights that I'm supposed to 'fling' myself off of, which is why you will NEVER see me dumbunji jumping off anything and after the hideous "Six Flaggs Disaster of 2007"( the snapping of the cable on the Tower of Doom which sliced that poor girls legs off for Jumping Jesus Sake!) I have permanently sworn off amusement rides for all of eternity, well...except for maybe the SUPERMAN ROLLER COASTER which RULES!!!!
OVER AND OUT
THE EFN VOICE OF REASON
UDDERWIZE KNOWN AS "TORQUESTER"
OVER AND OUT
THE EFN VOICE OF REASON
UDDERWIZE KNOWN AS "TORQUESTER"
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Crazy Base Jumpers
This is crazy, but awesome. These guys are nuts, but this has to be a tremendous rush!! Check it out: http://www.biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=4262
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
two dogs from Jersey
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It should be painfully obvious to the viewers that these mutts have been up to something. Note how they try to hypnotise the photographer with their beady eyes...
That's what I'm talking' 'bout
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This is what dogs look like when they live in Jersey. Note the menancing offsett jaw and the "Come any closer and I'll tear your EFN eyes out ya bum, ya" steely-eyed gaze...Do I have to tell you that this dog's name is Chico? Didn't snink sno.
Pictures please
So, it would seem that there is a nifty, new option on Blogger....a slideshow that can run in the sidebar. I am asking for pics...of anything, to post. I myself will be working on new photos as I am tired of seeing my bagged head and svelte body in the sidebar...yes, there is a limit to the perfection that one can stand in any one day! So please, apply yourself people! Just e-mail me the photos and I will take care of the rest!
Just so you know
In a close, hotly debated poll, it was decided by our voters that Abby continue as Abby and not go through a mind-splitting name change to 'Gomez' . In celebration, Abby had a dingo and called it a day. Ah, it is indeed a dog's life!
Sunday, November 18, 2007
What Means This
WHAT THE EF? Getting back to the trucks with balls...I guess I need a bit of clarification from the male populous about about the true intent of these most unusual and yes, fletardo, car acc-sessories. Is the message I'VE got big balls or MY TRUCK, ESCALADE, BLAZER, etc. has big balls, and where pray tell do you find these things? How are they packaged? Warnings on the labels? How much do they cost? Most importantly, who is the jokesta that invented them? If that jackass isn't laughing all the way to the bank.....I mean really. If there's a more assinine idea please let me know. In fact surely there must be, yet I'm stumped!!! The Silly straw? Nope. Silly string? Nope. Ronco "Be-Jeweler"? Nope..... Oh yeah, and I was in Manch-Vegas in traffice and a guy next to me did in fact, have a pair of Brass Ones hanging off his review. I actually had to point them out to M.I.A. and ask for a second opinion, because quite frankly, I couldn't believe my own eyes! "Is tha...are those? They couldn't be...Oh For Christ's Sake They Are. I figured the driver was most likely from Saugus or Lowell, which may be considered "dumbass profiling", but hey. I calls em likes I sees 'em. What a bizarre ritual! Next thing you know- well I don't even want to think about it.
Favorite Monkee
While I did enjoy the Monkees (Peter was my fave) I was really more of a "Banana Splits" person. A 'WACK' show as it were. I would love to get my hands on the theme song! "One banana, two banana, three banana, four....blah blah blah hmm hmmhmm hmm hum. La la la, La la la...etc. Of course HR Puffinstuff should not be overlooked and as I type the name in it occurs to moi that the writer's were most likely "puffin stuff" themselves and thought the title to be an excellent play on words...a way to 'stick it to the man' so to speak....hmmmm. Mayhap I should find re-runs and look for overt innuendos that I most likely missed the first time around!
I'll be back later to discuss "you got the skirt for that?" and the bizarre ritual of hanging "pretend" scrotum ( or would it be scrota?) from the rear of a truck (usually a Chevy)..Also...it's true. I have actually sat in traffic next to someone with a pair of Brass Ones hanging off his rearview mirror. NO LIE! But that will have to keep until later!!
See ya
the EFN torque
I'll be back later to discuss "you got the skirt for that?" and the bizarre ritual of hanging "pretend" scrotum ( or would it be scrota?) from the rear of a truck (usually a Chevy)..Also...it's true. I have actually sat in traffic next to someone with a pair of Brass Ones hanging off his rearview mirror. NO LIE! But that will have to keep until later!!
See ya
the EFN torque
Saturday, November 17, 2007
What the ef is right!
My BFF, Tor-que (pronounced Tor-kwa) doesn't even know how to spell my last name, which is why I've been MIA3! The invite didn't get to me. But, considering the amount of stress Torque's been under, what with demons taking over her number 2 daughter's body, I'll cut her some slack.
Speaking of Torque/Tork, who was your favorite Monkee? I wasn't really a fan of the Monkees, but I did think that Peter Tork was kind of cute.
OK, here's my Onion pick of the day:
Minimum-Wage Hike Celebrated With Name-Brand Ketchup
Video of the Day:
New Dancer at the Bing
Have a great day, all. Just think, only 5 1/2 days 'til Black Friday!
Speaking of Torque/Tork, who was your favorite Monkee? I wasn't really a fan of the Monkees, but I did think that Peter Tork was kind of cute.
OK, here's my Onion pick of the day:
Minimum-Wage Hike Celebrated With Name-Brand Ketchup
Video of the Day:
New Dancer at the Bing
Have a great day, all. Just think, only 5 1/2 days 'til Black Friday!
Friday, November 16, 2007
the forgetter
It was Poppet! Actually, I don't think she got the initial invite because of "snafoo" on my end.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
LEAVE SANTA ALONE
First Santa is told to lose weight because he is such a role model! .........How many kids have you heard say they want to be Santa. This is so beyond STUPID
NOW....Santas warned 'ho ho ho' offensive to women. I shit you not.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20071115/wl_asia_afp/lifestyleaustraliachristmasoffbeat
Drop the bomb already.
NOW....Santas warned 'ho ho ho' offensive to women. I shit you not.
http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20071115/wl_asia_afp/lifestyleaustraliachristmasoffbeat
Drop the bomb already.
Miss Mary Smack: She Got Skirt
Miss Mary Smack bringing you the best of the Internets and all that gets caught up in these twisted webs--my most favoriteist blog:
http://bitchphd.blogspot.com/
Saturday, November 10, 2007
::Trumpet Flourish::
Announcing a new feminist phrase for the lexicon.Instead of "balls," as in "have you got the balls for that?", etc.--or "ovaries," which come on, let's all admit it: so reductive, and definitely has that "trying too hard" vibe, admit it.From here on out, the phrase is "do you have the skirt for that?" Variations include, but are not limited to, "she's really got the skirt for that," "that really takes the right kind of skirt," "you haven't got the skirt for that," etc.Extra bonus points for being a man who uses this phrase. Extra super brilliant bonus points for my brilliant and hilarious boyfriend, who realized that my saying "well, I have the skirt for it" was appropriatable for these purposes, and declared his intention to steal the phrase and make it his own.
Torque Wrench throws her 2 cents in:
Yeah, I got the skirt for it...as in, You talkin' to me? I didn't EFN think so..you got no EFN skirt, biatch! HA and Double HA....or wait, wait, here's one: Don't be an idiot! You don't have the skirt for that, you tool! The boots maybe, but the skirt? I don't think so. Step aside and watch someone with some real skirt show you how it's done!
Torchy Torque
Over and Out
http://bitchphd.blogspot.com/
Saturday, November 10, 2007
::Trumpet Flourish::
Announcing a new feminist phrase for the lexicon.Instead of "balls," as in "have you got the balls for that?", etc.--or "ovaries," which come on, let's all admit it: so reductive, and definitely has that "trying too hard" vibe, admit it.From here on out, the phrase is "do you have the skirt for that?" Variations include, but are not limited to, "she's really got the skirt for that," "that really takes the right kind of skirt," "you haven't got the skirt for that," etc.Extra bonus points for being a man who uses this phrase. Extra super brilliant bonus points for my brilliant and hilarious boyfriend, who realized that my saying "well, I have the skirt for it" was appropriatable for these purposes, and declared his intention to steal the phrase and make it his own.
Torque Wrench throws her 2 cents in:
Yeah, I got the skirt for it...as in, You talkin' to me? I didn't EFN think so..you got no EFN skirt, biatch! HA and Double HA....or wait, wait, here's one: Don't be an idiot! You don't have the skirt for that, you tool! The boots maybe, but the skirt? I don't think so. Step aside and watch someone with some real skirt show you how it's done!
Torchy Torque
Over and Out
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
I'll tell you what deserves a "What the EF"..the fact that I misspelled a bunch of words in my last posts. Christ, I confused "now and "know". TERRIBLE. As my boyfriend David Grey would say.."Please forgive me". I guess that's what I get for being awake at almost 2 in the morning on a school night. Another EF situation, there has been a large scary man lurking the freshman dorms lately. Some poor girl got up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom and when she looked out of the bottom of the stall, she saw big black combat boots. She's out-of-state so I'm sure that her parents were psyched about them paying about $38,000 per year for such adequate safety.
I'll leave you guys with this random article:
http://www.theonion.com/content/columnists/it_wuz_always_bout_tha
I just thought it was amusing because it totally reminded me of Torque Wrench and Miss Mary Smack. It seems along the lines of "Call ova my momma's house, dey know how ta page me. They'll page me to yo numba then I'll call you back. Or, you can page my couzin Keif and he'll call my couzin Lil' Darrell who got my REAL pager, then I'll call you back...on HIS cell phone." Ahhhh yes, the good 'ol days.
I'll leave you guys with this random article:
http://www.theonion.com/content/columnists/it_wuz_always_bout_tha
I just thought it was amusing because it totally reminded me of Torque Wrench and Miss Mary Smack. It seems along the lines of "Call ova my momma's house, dey know how ta page me. They'll page me to yo numba then I'll call you back. Or, you can page my couzin Keif and he'll call my couzin Lil' Darrell who got my REAL pager, then I'll call you back...on HIS cell phone." Ahhhh yes, the good 'ol days.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
The ONION: worthwhile 'news' for a worthless nation
Area Mom Could Have Made Same Meal At Home For Much Cheaper
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38509
Yes, you have to read the whole damn thing...just so you can get to the part... "I was like jeeze, I just wanted grilled cheese. Quit being such a spaz!" BAHAAAHAA. SPAZ is unto itself such a delicious word! It should be used daily. In fact, it should have it's own holiday! National SPAZ day...or maybe Take a SPAZ to Lunch Day!
PS. Abby's name hangs in the balance! Immediate action required on the poll!
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/38509
Yes, you have to read the whole damn thing...just so you can get to the part... "I was like jeeze, I just wanted grilled cheese. Quit being such a spaz!" BAHAAAHAA. SPAZ is unto itself such a delicious word! It should be used daily. In fact, it should have it's own holiday! National SPAZ day...or maybe Take a SPAZ to Lunch Day!
PS. Abby's name hangs in the balance! Immediate action required on the poll!
Miss Mary Smack makes a point
Miss Mary Smack gives us the 'skinny':
a young woman called me looking for help because she needed a new place to stay and had 2 toddlers and no job, no HS diploma. Thing is, she was drinkin' and druggin' last weekend pretty hard , "I don't know why I was like that more than I usually am and well, apparently I met this guy and I pretty much realized on Wednesday that I had married him on October 10th." So I says to her, "Uhm, how do you know you're actually married?" and she said that she found the license on the kitchen table. So I pursued this line of questioning as I am highly trained to do and inquired, "Were you intoxicated when this marriage was performed?" She said, "No, not really,I mean, I wasn't like drunk or nothing, it just seemed like a good thing to do at the time but I think it was a mistake because I only met him maybe Friday."
I counseled her to get herself and her 1 and 3 year old down to the court house and tell the clerk she had indeed been under the influence and needed an annulment. Then, since the Salvation Army shelter is right next door to just go right on over and check in.
Jesus flipping Christ, the people I have to deal with. This indiscriminant breeding and retention of children by completely inadequate mothers is a national goddam disgrace. Then I have to read shit about another goddam Bush appointee from Regent or Liberty University. Read this and then go scream into a pillow somewhere:
On Monday, President Bush appointed Susan Orr Acting Deputy Assistant Secretary for Population Affairs at the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS), a position that gives her oversight of federal family planning programs. Orr, who is currently directing HHS child welfare programs, was touted by the administration as "highly qualified." Before joining HHS, Orr served as senior director for marriage and family care at the conservative Family Research Council, which opposes family planning, and was an adjunct professor at Pat Robertson's Regent University. In her new role, Orr, who considers contraceptives part of the "culture of death," will be responsible for "HHS's $283 million reproductive-health program, a $30 million program that encourages abstinence among teenagers, and HHS's Office of Population Affairs, which funds birth control, pregnancy tests, counseling, and screenings for sexually transmitted diseases and HIV." Given Orr's record of opposition to comprehensive family planning services, women's rights and reproductive health advocates are speaking out strongly against her appointment. "We are appalled," said Mary Jane Gallagher, president of the National Family Planning and Reproductive Health Association. "While her resume suggests a commitment to child welfare and children, her professional credentials fail to demonstrate a commitment to comprehensive family planning services for all men and women in need." Rep. Henry Waxman (D-CA) called her appointment "absurd." Referring to her as "a virulently anti-family planning radical," Planned Parenthood has circulated a petition opposing Orr. Unfortunately, though, appointing Orr as an "acting" secretary allows the administration to sidestep the need for Senate confirmation.A RECORD AGAINST FAMILY PLANNING: In 2001, Orr embraced a Bush administration proposal to "stop requiring all health insurance plans for federal employees" to cover a broad range of birth control. "We're quite pleased, because fertility is not a disease," said Orr. At the 2001 Conservative Political Action Conference, Orr cheered Bush's endorsement of former President Ronald Reagan's "Mexico City Policy," which required NGOs receiving federal funds to "neither perform nor actively promote abortion as a method of family planning in other nations." In a 2000 Weekly Standard article, Orr railed against requiring health insurance plans to cover contraceptives. "It's not about choice," said Orr. "It's not about health care. It's about making everyone collaborators with the culture of death." In 2000, she authored a paper titled, "Real Women Stay Married." In it, she wrote that women should "think about focusing our eyes, not upon ourselves, but upon the families we form through marriage." In 1999, Orr referred to child protection as "the most intrusive arm of social services." Her former employer, the Family Research Council, which championed her appointment yesterday, equates contraception with abortion.
http://www.americanprogressaction.org/progressreport
Torque Wrench spells it out:
Hello!!! You, Driver, asleep at the wheel!!! How the flippin' Christ do we get babies to stop having babies if we insist that the only answer to unwanted pregnancy is through ABSTINENCE??? HUH?? If you tie the hands of social services and take sex ed out of schools and tell Wal Mart pharmacists that they can refuse to fill prescriptions on 'religious principle' where PRAY TELL do these uneducated women go for MUCH NEEDED BIRTH CONTROL!!! Because religious feelings aside, DOES ANYONE GIVE A GOOD GODDAMN ABOUT THE CHILDREN BORN TO THESE WOMEN??? OR the conditions they live in? Uh HUH...didn't think so. All these ideas of right or wrong are just that- ideas, because the reality is there are REAL CHILDREN living with the consequences and before I fall off this soap box and break my goddamn ankle I will say this: Until we as a nation wrap our fool heads around the simple truth, that we are only as strong as our weakest link, we are doomed!!
a young woman called me looking for help because she needed a new place to stay and had 2 toddlers and no job, no HS diploma. Thing is, she was drinkin' and druggin' last weekend pretty hard , "I don't know why I was like that more than I usually am and well, apparently I met this guy and I pretty much realized on Wednesday that I had married him on October 10th." So I says to her, "Uhm, how do you know you're actually married?" and she said that she found the license on the kitchen table. So I pursued this line of questioning as I am highly trained to do and inquired, "Were you intoxicated when this marriage was performed?" She said, "No, not really,I mean, I wasn't like drunk or nothing, it just seemed like a good thing to do at the time but I think it was a mistake because I only met him maybe Friday."
I counseled her to get herself and her 1 and 3 year old down to the court house and tell the clerk she had indeed been under the influence and needed an annulment. Then, since the Salvation Army shelter is right next door to just go right on over and check in.
Jesus flipping Christ, the people I have to deal with. This indiscriminant breeding and retention of children by completely inadequate mothers is a national goddam disgrace. Then I have to read shit about another goddam Bush appointee from Regent or Liberty University. Read this and then go scream into a pillow somewhere:
On Monday, President Bush appointed Susan Orr Acting Deputy Assistant Secretary for Population Affairs at the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS), a position that gives her oversight of federal family planning programs. Orr, who is currently directing HHS child welfare programs, was touted by the administration as "highly qualified." Before joining HHS, Orr served as senior director for marriage and family care at the conservative Family Research Council, which opposes family planning, and was an adjunct professor at Pat Robertson's Regent University. In her new role, Orr, who considers contraceptives part of the "culture of death," will be responsible for "HHS's $283 million reproductive-health program, a $30 million program that encourages abstinence among teenagers, and HHS's Office of Population Affairs, which funds birth control, pregnancy tests, counseling, and screenings for sexually transmitted diseases and HIV." Given Orr's record of opposition to comprehensive family planning services, women's rights and reproductive health advocates are speaking out strongly against her appointment. "We are appalled," said Mary Jane Gallagher, president of the National Family Planning and Reproductive Health Association. "While her resume suggests a commitment to child welfare and children, her professional credentials fail to demonstrate a commitment to comprehensive family planning services for all men and women in need." Rep. Henry Waxman (D-CA) called her appointment "absurd." Referring to her as "a virulently anti-family planning radical," Planned Parenthood has circulated a petition opposing Orr. Unfortunately, though, appointing Orr as an "acting" secretary allows the administration to sidestep the need for Senate confirmation.A RECORD AGAINST FAMILY PLANNING: In 2001, Orr embraced a Bush administration proposal to "stop requiring all health insurance plans for federal employees" to cover a broad range of birth control. "We're quite pleased, because fertility is not a disease," said Orr. At the 2001 Conservative Political Action Conference, Orr cheered Bush's endorsement of former President Ronald Reagan's "Mexico City Policy," which required NGOs receiving federal funds to "neither perform nor actively promote abortion as a method of family planning in other nations." In a 2000 Weekly Standard article, Orr railed against requiring health insurance plans to cover contraceptives. "It's not about choice," said Orr. "It's not about health care. It's about making everyone collaborators with the culture of death." In 2000, she authored a paper titled, "Real Women Stay Married." In it, she wrote that women should "think about focusing our eyes, not upon ourselves, but upon the families we form through marriage." In 1999, Orr referred to child protection as "the most intrusive arm of social services." Her former employer, the Family Research Council, which championed her appointment yesterday, equates contraception with abortion.
http://www.americanprogressaction.org/progressreport
Torque Wrench spells it out:
Hello!!! You, Driver, asleep at the wheel!!! How the flippin' Christ do we get babies to stop having babies if we insist that the only answer to unwanted pregnancy is through ABSTINENCE??? HUH?? If you tie the hands of social services and take sex ed out of schools and tell Wal Mart pharmacists that they can refuse to fill prescriptions on 'religious principle' where PRAY TELL do these uneducated women go for MUCH NEEDED BIRTH CONTROL!!! Because religious feelings aside, DOES ANYONE GIVE A GOOD GODDAMN ABOUT THE CHILDREN BORN TO THESE WOMEN??? OR the conditions they live in? Uh HUH...didn't think so. All these ideas of right or wrong are just that- ideas, because the reality is there are REAL CHILDREN living with the consequences and before I fall off this soap box and break my goddamn ankle I will say this: Until we as a nation wrap our fool heads around the simple truth, that we are only as strong as our weakest link, we are doomed!!
Here it is, 1:37am on a Monday night and I'm just now adding my first little tid-bit into the blog. As the Torque Wrench had said before, I was dealing with "Hell Week" here at the University of New Hampshire. The professors here think it makes sense for one to have 3 exams in 1 day. I'm not really sure what their thought process is....
Funny little situation that I was able to witness here this weekend. As you guys may now I'm friends with the UNH Hockey team and with a big win against BC Saturday night, "gatherings" were to be had. Eventually hundreds of little freshman girls run up to the hockey house and instantly make complete ASSES of themselves. Saying things like "OMG! YOU LOOKED SO HOT OUT THERE TONIGHT!" Funny thing is, they didn't know that they had said that to the damn WATER BOY! hahahaha too funny. GAWD, i love the freshman who have no idea.
On another note, there was a great episode of Intervention tonight. The family had a dog that looked just like Abby
Funny little situation that I was able to witness here this weekend. As you guys may now I'm friends with the UNH Hockey team and with a big win against BC Saturday night, "gatherings" were to be had. Eventually hundreds of little freshman girls run up to the hockey house and instantly make complete ASSES of themselves. Saying things like "OMG! YOU LOOKED SO HOT OUT THERE TONIGHT!" Funny thing is, they didn't know that they had said that to the damn WATER BOY! hahahaha too funny. GAWD, i love the freshman who have no idea.
On another note, there was a great episode of Intervention tonight. The family had a dog that looked just like Abby
Monday, November 12, 2007
Back to Arkan'sass'
Camp Follower Demands An Answer!
Hi Torch,
Here is my lame posting to the question of "s" in Arkansas:
For that matter, maybe Miss Mary Smackdown can explain the spelling of Illinois (Ill-Annoy).
Camp Follower
Torchy Torque Wrench begs:
**Would everyone please note the "morphing" of Miss Mary Smack!
Hi Torch,
Here is my lame posting to the question of "s" in Arkansas:
For that matter, maybe Miss Mary Smackdown can explain the spelling of Illinois (Ill-Annoy).
Camp Follower
Torchy Torque Wrench begs:
**Would everyone please note the "morphing" of Miss Mary Smack!
The SWIRLING ABYSS
Pardon the 'EF' out of me for not posting for a pa-few days, but it has been brought to my attention by number two daughter that I am at the top of the 'MOST HATED' list and that I am also starring on my own "WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE-PREFERABLY DEAD!" poster. It would seem that I have manged to push Josef Mengele, Hitler and my all time fave, Idi Amin to a distant 2nd, 3rd and 4th of those guilty of hideous crimes against humanity. Who knew?
It would seem that this child would be happy anywhere, I repeat ANYWHERE, other than my home as I am such a killjoy LOSER and NON-TRUSTER! I ask her, "Don't you remember when I used to kiss your little piggies and make you fluff and jelly (fluff and jelly for God sake) sandwiches and slather you with SPF 190 so you wouldn't burn and scratch your back and read to you before bed and give you extra long tubbies during your "Free Willy" stage?' and took the time to comb your beautiful hair out for EIGHT HOURS (yes, EIGHT EFN HOURS!) when you got lice in the third grade? "NO" she screams, "I HATE YOU" Now even though I know you are all just jonesin' for details, I think I'll let your imaginations fill in the gaps, but it did involve a car, a couple of wompin' lies, a night who knows where?, and much gnashing of teeth and wringing of hands...also a couple of thrown laundry baskets. I have been called (horrors) a BITCH and wished DEAD!! Can you imagine? ME? Moi? I will take this moment to tell 'Big Lou' to get her laughing ass off the floor and wipe the snot from her nose! Compose yourself WOMAN! Yes, Yes, I clearly remember the conversation that went something like, "OH, just you wait, someday you'll know EXACTLY what I'm talking about!" OOOOHHHH and I DO!!!! Payback is certainly a bitch! Oh well...I'm kinda at a loss. But this, as they say, shall pass.... Hopefully.... EFN PRONTO! Previous experience leads me to believe that this sort of traiterous behavior will abate with the 17th birthday, so HAMMER DOWN! GET ME TO MAY!
Waiting in Hell,
The EFN Torque Wrench (or Wench, as it were)
It would seem that this child would be happy anywhere, I repeat ANYWHERE, other than my home as I am such a killjoy LOSER and NON-TRUSTER! I ask her, "Don't you remember when I used to kiss your little piggies and make you fluff and jelly (fluff and jelly for God sake) sandwiches and slather you with SPF 190 so you wouldn't burn and scratch your back and read to you before bed and give you extra long tubbies during your "Free Willy" stage?' and took the time to comb your beautiful hair out for EIGHT HOURS (yes, EIGHT EFN HOURS!) when you got lice in the third grade? "NO" she screams, "I HATE YOU" Now even though I know you are all just jonesin' for details, I think I'll let your imaginations fill in the gaps, but it did involve a car, a couple of wompin' lies, a night who knows where?, and much gnashing of teeth and wringing of hands...also a couple of thrown laundry baskets. I have been called (horrors) a BITCH and wished DEAD!! Can you imagine? ME? Moi? I will take this moment to tell 'Big Lou' to get her laughing ass off the floor and wipe the snot from her nose! Compose yourself WOMAN! Yes, Yes, I clearly remember the conversation that went something like, "OH, just you wait, someday you'll know EXACTLY what I'm talking about!" OOOOHHHH and I DO!!!! Payback is certainly a bitch! Oh well...I'm kinda at a loss. But this, as they say, shall pass.... Hopefully.... EFN PRONTO! Previous experience leads me to believe that this sort of traiterous behavior will abate with the 17th birthday, so HAMMER DOWN! GET ME TO MAY!
Waiting in Hell,
The EFN Torque Wrench (or Wench, as it were)
PS. If I had been able to print up a t-shirt to wear today it would have said:
I FEEL BAD FOR ME TODAY...YOU SHOULD TOO
Thursday, November 8, 2007
This just in from G8alife!!
Sorry but this deserves "WHAT THE FUCK!!!!!!" These people need to stop drinking the Koolaid
Girl, 13, gets detention for hugging two friends
Illinois middle school bans public displays of affection; parents urge change http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21661718/
Torque Wrench laments:
Hey, if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: there just ain't no accountin' for stupid in this world"
Girl, 13, gets detention for hugging two friends
Illinois middle school bans public displays of affection; parents urge change http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/21661718/
Torque Wrench laments:
Hey, if I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: there just ain't no accountin' for stupid in this world"
Our Crew vacation! Yes, In Arkansas (why, by the way, is there an 's' at the end of Arkansaw?
Funny isn't it how and where great inspiration strikes. Why just this morning I was watching a news program and learned about a park in Ark. where you can dig for diamonds and keep what you find! Obviously this got my 'felonious' juices flowing and it should come as no surprise to 'THE CREW' that our summer rendevous plan has now been established! Oh, indeed. We're going. Just think, if we plan this well we could possibly film our own version of the classic "Brady Bunch" episode where they go to the Grand Canyon, stopping over in a ghost town and get locked in a cell in the jail! Rainking, or perhaps, Poppet can be 'Bobby' and try to get the key through the bars with the belt. MIA (see sidebar list of Crew Members) or rather, "Mr. I'm in the camper eating paste", will be no help because of course he will be IN the camper eating paste and actually may not even be in attendance as he willfully refuses to open e-mail or go on-line for anything other than Steeler updates and his gaylord MP3 player, his musical mistress, as it were.
Ah well, so it goes...as a wise old friend in Maine used to say,"Clitter, clatter. Let's get at her!"
More later..........
The flaming torchin' Torque Wrench
http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory?id=3823531
Ah well, so it goes...as a wise old friend in Maine used to say,"Clitter, clatter. Let's get at her!"
More later..........
The flaming torchin' Torque Wrench
http://abcnews.go.com/US/wireStory?id=3823531
Rainking shares some inspiring lyrics: Hats off to Wilco, who obviously can turn a tune...or something like that
Whilst you are working on the Louvre...Thoughts for the day courtesy of Wilco:
"You Are My Face"
I remember my mother's
Sister's husband's brother
Working in the goldmine full-time
Filling in for sunshine
Filing into tight lines
Of ordinary beehives
The door screams I hate you
Hate you hanging around my blue jeans
Why is there no breeze
No currency of leaves
No current through the water wire
No feelings I can seeI trust no emotion
I believe in locomotion
But I've turned to rust as we've discussed
Though I must have let you down too many times
In the dirt and the dustI have no idea how this happens
All of my maps have been overthrown
Happenstance has changed my plans
So many times my heart has been outgrown
Now everybody's feeling all alone
Can't tell you who I am
When everybody's feeling all alone
Can't tell you who I am
I am looking forward
Toward the shadows tracing bones
Our faces stitched and sewing
Our houses hemmed into homes
Trying to be thankful
Our stories fit into phones
And our voices lift so easily
A gift given accidentally
When we're not sure
We're not alone
"You Are My Face"
I remember my mother's
Sister's husband's brother
Working in the goldmine full-time
Filling in for sunshine
Filing into tight lines
Of ordinary beehives
The door screams I hate you
Hate you hanging around my blue jeans
Why is there no breeze
No currency of leaves
No current through the water wire
No feelings I can seeI trust no emotion
I believe in locomotion
But I've turned to rust as we've discussed
Though I must have let you down too many times
In the dirt and the dustI have no idea how this happens
All of my maps have been overthrown
Happenstance has changed my plans
So many times my heart has been outgrown
Now everybody's feeling all alone
Can't tell you who I am
When everybody's feeling all alone
Can't tell you who I am
I am looking forward
Toward the shadows tracing bones
Our faces stitched and sewing
Our houses hemmed into homes
Trying to be thankful
Our stories fit into phones
And our voices lift so easily
A gift given accidentally
When we're not sure
We're not alone
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Rainking:
This just might be the best Ef'n art collection in the world!
Torque Wrench replies:
Help...I cannot open the best collection ever!!!! My computer is telling me to create a file association something or other in the "tools" majiggy...what means this?
T.W.
Raininking:
It's a powerpoint file
Torque Wrench:
Powerpoint you sly dog! I'm going to try a couple of things...but you may have to go into my account your own damn self and post it!
Torchin' Torque
'Big Lou' enters, stage left
Big Lou sounds off:
Torch, you and Poppet are going to have to give me a crash course in this!
Big Lou
***please note that Big Lou calls me Torch not Torque...and people wonder where the "EF" nicknames come from and how they evolve.... Take my friend Margaret for instance, who was known as Maggie, which was shortened to Mags, ergo her nickname was "Wheels" HA and double Ha. More examples of name morphing please! I am patiently waiting!!!
Eternally flaming,
"Torch" A.K.A. Torque Wrench
Torch, you and Poppet are going to have to give me a crash course in this!
Big Lou
***please note that Big Lou calls me Torch not Torque...and people wonder where the "EF" nicknames come from and how they evolve.... Take my friend Margaret for instance, who was known as Maggie, which was shortened to Mags, ergo her nickname was "Wheels" HA and double Ha. More examples of name morphing please! I am patiently waiting!!!
Eternally flaming,
"Torch" A.K.A. Torque Wrench
Rainking:
Hey, Yo, from Music City USA. It's a goddamn zoo this week with the CMA awards tomorrow night. So tonight is the pre-party party and the awarding of the awards that tomorrow will be introduced as "previously awarded". Bus loads of country music lovin peeps invade the town for a few days. Speaking of country music, have ya checked out the collaboration efforts of Robert Plant and Allison Kraus? The reviews say it's sweetness (ad lib) and I'm going to get a listen right now...Later.
Hey, Yo, from Music City USA. It's a goddamn zoo this week with the CMA awards tomorrow night. So tonight is the pre-party party and the awarding of the awards that tomorrow will be introduced as "previously awarded". Bus loads of country music lovin peeps invade the town for a few days. Speaking of country music, have ya checked out the collaboration efforts of Robert Plant and Allison Kraus? The reviews say it's sweetness (ad lib) and I'm going to get a listen right now...Later.
Rainking out
Rainking:
Here's something that is worthwhile. Perhaps we can restore a shred of our dignity.
Miss Mary Smack calls em' like she sees 'em:
Yeah, well here's my song of the day--picture if you will: it's 9:30 CST-(that's late for your Left Coast peeps and a school night! for giblet-eaters) I'm driving to the high school to pickup my daughter after opening night of "Bye, Bye, Birdie" (no I wasn't there and she's not on stage she plays in the pit orchestra and I am going tomorrow night so don't even go there). I'm listening to the "Oldies" station because god help me if I hear Soulja Boy one more time TODAY, when what to my wondering ears should appear but a miniature flashback and 8 tiny reindeer :).... "Angie Baby" by Helen Reddy. What kind of twisted person is this Helen Reddy-person. Did she write this after Tenille (her twin separated at birth) stole the Captain from her? Is Angie Big Old Ruby's twisted sister? Is Big Old Ruby the same Ruby of Kenny Rogers ode (as in, "don't take your love to town?"--I think they were both wearing red dresses....) Are they all dog kin? You know litters of people separated only by a twelve-pack and a vague recollection of reproductive events? Anyway, in case you've forgotten the insane lyrics, here they are. You know the tune and don't claim you don't 'cause your foot is tapping already but it's getting mixed up with Muskrat Love. Gotcha.
You live your life in the songs you hearon the rock and roll radio
and when a young girl doesn't have any friends
thats a really nice place to go
folks hoping you'd turn out cool
but they had to take you out of school
you're a little touched you know
angie baby
lovers appear in your room each night
and they whirl you across the floor
but they always seem to fade away
when your daddy taps on your door
angie girl are you alright?
tell the radio goodnight
all alone once more angie baby
Chorus
angie baby
you're a special lady
living in a world of make believe
well maybe
stopping at her house is a neighbour boy
with evil on his mind
cos he's been peeking in angie's room
at the night through her window blind
I see your folks have gone away
would you dance with me today
I'll show you how to have a good time
angie baby
( angie baby )
(angie baby )
when he walks in the room
he feels confused
like he walked into a play
and the music's so loud
it spins him around
till his soul has lost it's way
and as she turns the volume down
he's getting smaller with the sound
it seems to pull him off the ground
toward the radio he's bound
never to be found
the headlines read that a boy disapeared
and everyone thinks he died
except a crazy girl with a secret lover
who keeps her satisfied
it's so nice to be insane
no one asked you to explain
radio by your side
angie baby
Chorus
angie baby
you're a special lady
living in a world of make believe
well maybe
well maybe
well maybe
well maybe
Here's the thing--I also remember the very weird experimental "video" (so experimental it might have been super8mm film) that went with this song. Maybe they played it on the Captain and Tenille Show (how's that for poetic justice --or was it the King Biscuit Flower Hour when it was a show after Soul Train?). Anyway, so I driving down these windswept streets when the announcer guy (totally AM radio voiced, except we're on digital FM) breaks into the song, yes, breaks into the song, with election night results for the Mayoral race in the village of Narnia or some other eastbumflippian place in the hinterlands around here. Picture Les Nespin's voice,"This just in, the Mayoral Race in the Village of Eastbumflippian has been decided-- Steve Nimrod with 24 votes, Mike Basketweaver with 73 votes. There were 131 additional write-in ballots for this election. Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming." That was the funniest part, "regularly scheduled programming" like he heard that on Dragnet or something. Of course I was glad that the NEWS BULLETIN was brief because Angie Baby was still playing. And too bad for those two fools running for elected office in a town where there were more people scribbling in the names Optimus Prime or Spiderman than actually voting for the official candidates!!!)
When the song was over the FM announcer-guy said in his AM announcer-guy voice, "Is she twisted or what?"
--Miss Mary Smack-observer of the idiocracy (and believe me, there's no shortage of "teachable moments" out here)
Yeah, well here's my song of the day--picture if you will: it's 9:30 CST-(that's late for your Left Coast peeps and a school night! for giblet-eaters) I'm driving to the high school to pickup my daughter after opening night of "Bye, Bye, Birdie" (no I wasn't there and she's not on stage she plays in the pit orchestra and I am going tomorrow night so don't even go there). I'm listening to the "Oldies" station because god help me if I hear Soulja Boy one more time TODAY, when what to my wondering ears should appear but a miniature flashback and 8 tiny reindeer :).... "Angie Baby" by Helen Reddy. What kind of twisted person is this Helen Reddy-person. Did she write this after Tenille (her twin separated at birth) stole the Captain from her? Is Angie Big Old Ruby's twisted sister? Is Big Old Ruby the same Ruby of Kenny Rogers ode (as in, "don't take your love to town?"--I think they were both wearing red dresses....) Are they all dog kin? You know litters of people separated only by a twelve-pack and a vague recollection of reproductive events? Anyway, in case you've forgotten the insane lyrics, here they are. You know the tune and don't claim you don't 'cause your foot is tapping already but it's getting mixed up with Muskrat Love. Gotcha.
You live your life in the songs you hearon the rock and roll radio
and when a young girl doesn't have any friends
thats a really nice place to go
folks hoping you'd turn out cool
but they had to take you out of school
you're a little touched you know
angie baby
lovers appear in your room each night
and they whirl you across the floor
but they always seem to fade away
when your daddy taps on your door
angie girl are you alright?
tell the radio goodnight
all alone once more angie baby
Chorus
angie baby
you're a special lady
living in a world of make believe
well maybe
stopping at her house is a neighbour boy
with evil on his mind
cos he's been peeking in angie's room
at the night through her window blind
I see your folks have gone away
would you dance with me today
I'll show you how to have a good time
angie baby
( angie baby )
(angie baby )
when he walks in the room
he feels confused
like he walked into a play
and the music's so loud
it spins him around
till his soul has lost it's way
and as she turns the volume down
he's getting smaller with the sound
it seems to pull him off the ground
toward the radio he's bound
never to be found
the headlines read that a boy disapeared
and everyone thinks he died
except a crazy girl with a secret lover
who keeps her satisfied
it's so nice to be insane
no one asked you to explain
radio by your side
angie baby
Chorus
angie baby
you're a special lady
living in a world of make believe
well maybe
well maybe
well maybe
well maybe
Here's the thing--I also remember the very weird experimental "video" (so experimental it might have been super8mm film) that went with this song. Maybe they played it on the Captain and Tenille Show (how's that for poetic justice --or was it the King Biscuit Flower Hour when it was a show after Soul Train?). Anyway, so I driving down these windswept streets when the announcer guy (totally AM radio voiced, except we're on digital FM) breaks into the song, yes, breaks into the song, with election night results for the Mayoral race in the village of Narnia or some other eastbumflippian place in the hinterlands around here. Picture Les Nespin's voice,"This just in, the Mayoral Race in the Village of Eastbumflippian has been decided-- Steve Nimrod with 24 votes, Mike Basketweaver with 73 votes. There were 131 additional write-in ballots for this election. Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming." That was the funniest part, "regularly scheduled programming" like he heard that on Dragnet or something. Of course I was glad that the NEWS BULLETIN was brief because Angie Baby was still playing. And too bad for those two fools running for elected office in a town where there were more people scribbling in the names Optimus Prime or Spiderman than actually voting for the official candidates!!!)
When the song was over the FM announcer-guy said in his AM announcer-guy voice, "Is she twisted or what?"
--Miss Mary Smack-observer of the idiocracy (and believe me, there's no shortage of "teachable moments" out here)
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Many thanks and my undying gratitude to Rainking as he has given me my NEW NAME "Torque Wrench" BAHAAHAAHAA.. How the "EF" am I supposed to know where it is? It would seem that I have done something wrong and will now have to go back and review my profile and press some stupid button somewhere allowing it to be seen by everyone. What the "EF?" My question would be; why would that even be an option? (the private thing I mean) What kind of deranged tool would make a blog only to be read by herself? No smarty pants answers please- it's early..
Faithfully yours,
The "EF"in Torque Wrench
PS..The drama continues: the LAST 2 games in this Soccer Tourny were supposed to be last night (I've been working the snack-shack with the soccer boosters-uh huh) and the first game must now be replayed Wednesday Night as the little bastards were tied and went into 3 overtimes without a goal! BLAST!
Rainking writes:
OK torque wrench,I'm not sure where you hid that thing or how to find it, but I'mapparently not getting to the right place. I have an account, but anysearching does not yield the desired results....What the Ef??
Miss Mary Smack writes:
I can't figure out how to get on to the site-my brain is done. Give me your goddamn password so I can look at what the other pitchurs (I spelz em like I hear losahs says em) look like. B says mine is lame (like she knows!)
Faithfully yours,
The "EF"in Torque Wrench
PS..The drama continues: the LAST 2 games in this Soccer Tourny were supposed to be last night (I've been working the snack-shack with the soccer boosters-uh huh) and the first game must now be replayed Wednesday Night as the little bastards were tied and went into 3 overtimes without a goal! BLAST!
Rainking writes:
OK torque wrench,I'm not sure where you hid that thing or how to find it, but I'mapparently not getting to the right place. I have an account, but anysearching does not yield the desired results....What the Ef??
Miss Mary Smack writes:
I can't figure out how to get on to the site-my brain is done. Give me your goddamn password so I can look at what the other pitchurs (I spelz em like I hear losahs says em) look like. B says mine is lame (like she knows!)
OK you TOOLS...looks like we're close to roll time. Louise has picked "Big Lou" and Karrie has snagged Poppet(read your mail for explanation..I for one, will surely slip and call her poopy) and Don probably hasn't even opened the first "efin" e-mail. HA Just so you know I'm thinking the blog name should be what the EF?..more later
OK. What the "EF?" it is! I loaded the first pic and daily entry...if you go to www.blogger.com and search for What the "EF?" you should be able to see it. Bear in mind it is a work in progress...Karrie and I are going to try to link some videos from youtube and get registered with google AdSence so off we go! I will be posting past e-mails and pics so send them to me.
Song for the day...Lucious Jackson "Naked Eye" find it, download it, listen to it!
OK. What the "EF?" it is! I loaded the first pic and daily entry...if you go to www.blogger.com and search for What the "EF?" you should be able to see it. Bear in mind it is a work in progress...Karrie and I are going to try to link some videos from youtube and get registered with google AdSence so off we go! I will be posting past e-mails and pics so send them to me.
Song for the day...Lucious Jackson "Naked Eye" find it, download it, listen to it!
Saturday, November 3, 2007
Today I am driving back to the office and I get a phone call...so I pull over to write down a number and I am stopped across the street (across the street mind you) of a random house in LOSERVILLE. A man with bare feet is sitting on his porch with his feet up on the railing, and even though I'm talking on the phone with the windows rolled up I can hear this screeching. I look toward the house and the moron with bare feet (it's November for Christ's sake) is waving at me to move on...I look at him, incredulously, the dumbass, and continue to talk on the phone...hey, I'm parked ACROSS THE STREET, and he puts his hands up to his eyes like five year olds do when they are trying to PRETEND they have binoculars to see great distances. Little does he know that I am the queen of the staredown, but who can keep a straight face whilest staring down a moron in bare feet, with his goofy hands pretending they're binoculars as he stares at me? What The EF? Am I a magnet for this shit? Well obviously, as just TWO nights ago I was in a bar (a BAR mind you) with a group of friends who were having a little farewell party for someone moving away (lucky bitch) and we were asked "to keep it down, we're trying to watch the Presidential debate"... are you EFin' kidding me? We're in a BAR dumbass!! You want to watch the debate- go home! The beer's cheaper! Now believe it or not, I'm not really one for public confrontation (well, not since I stopped drinking anyway HA and God knows I'm happy to see people engaged in the politcal process) but I was ready to, how do you say, throw down with this little MOFO...so you see, I really may need a rest, but where in the hell do you go to do that when at every possible turn someone is just waiting to use their stupid on you?
Friday, November 2, 2007
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